Disorderly Diagnosis

First off, this entry in no way wishes to disparage people with mental diseases or the belief that they are real. I’m no Tom Cruise. That said, it seems that we may be heading as a society a little too far away from personal accountability. The latest example of that coming from a Baltimore Sun article on the recently accredited mental disorder Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). The disorder claims responsibility for people who get angry, somewhat spontaneously, and act on it.

So when Zinedine Zidane head butted Marco Materazzi, it wasn’t Zidane’s fault, simply a case of IED.

Now rather than more harrumphing on people taking credit for their own actions, the story got me thinking about other sports figures that could clearly use IED as a defense at trial. Here’s a small list:

Earl Weaver
George Brett
Terrell Owens
Tony Stewart
Carl Everett
George Steinbrenner
John McEnroe
Gary Williams

Then there are those that have yet to ever really explode but with just a little more provocation, say from the win-loss column, a diagnosis of IED will be needed:

Sam Perlozzo
Brian Billick
Ralph Friedgen
Joe Torre

The Sun article also takes a look at a proposed disorder for the revised manual due for publication in 2011. And this is really fun to imagine.

“…one doctor is proposing a new diagnosis, relational disorder, which she summarizes as a dysfunctional relationship in which ‘neither person is mentally ill but the relationship is.”

That’s right. It’s not you that’s sick, rather a concept. An ethereal, intangible, bond gets needs treatment, but you still get the bill. Now some examples of that:
Brad & Jen, the two Hollywood superstars seem as likeable as ever, both doing good works for the world but together no more. Lance & Sheryl surprised everyone with their breakup. Hard to find two more down to earth, talented, celebrities the relationship ate them up.

How about the opposite? Courtney Love & Kurt Cobain (at least for a while), this one for sure; Daniel Snyder and Joe Gibbs. How those two make it work is an absolute mystery.

The article also encouraged me to come up with some disorders of my own. No doubt in my mind that Bill Buckner was infected with PMFD (Prolonged Misery Facilitator Disease). That list to also include Steve Bartman, Peter Angelos, and Isiah Thomas.
Not there yet but certainly giving a shot at a diagnosis of PMFD, Nationals G.M. Jim Bowden…

Another ailment that puzzles docs, and the treatment remains elusive, ADD. Not Attention Deficit Disorder, but rather Accuracy Disappearance Disorder. For no earthly reason once skilled marksman can no longer find the target. Clear possessors of this affliction include Rick Ankiel, Mark Wohlers, and Steve Sax. And bad news for Oriole fans, possibly on the way to ADD is Daniel Cabrera. He seeks treatment north of the border at Triple A Ottawa

One last disorder I’m sure will be ready for 2011 is CEA. Column Ending Anxiety, yours truly the recipient, because I can’t ever find a good way to conclude a piece. No nice clean way to wrap things up. The thoughts just keep rolling around like lottery ping pong balls. Seriously, I need help. It just won’t….

e-mail Pete


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